The Joy of Separation Anxiety

It has been 6 months and 1 week of having my son with me almost ALL THE TIME. And when i say 'all the time', that's like bringing him while i am having meet-ups for my online shop (just me and him and my big bag full of ordered items), bringing him at our 3-hour long (supposedly wedding) seminars, and even sometimes when i had to pee (*don't worry, it's safe; in all scenarios, i'm babywearing him). It's just that he can't be far from me, I am his food (direct breastfeeding), the milk factory. And i cannot be far from him, he needs me. 

Separation = (as much as possible) Cannot Be

On my birthday (and also hubby's mom's birthday), while attending the Holy Mass, we were with my in-laws whom we see like once or twice a month only, baby Coy would cry if held by them. I'm obviously considering it as Stranger Anxiety. And during the Communion, as soon as i stood up from my seat (mom-in-law carries him while they remained seated), he cried again. I proceeded to the queuing line and signaled hubby Mel to take care of our crying Coy, who for sure just showed on my very face that he's having Separation Anxiety. Looking at those poor, innocent eyes with a touch of fear and longing for me, i felt sad. But i know someday, he must learn to deal with that. And also, I had to deal with that. But sometimes, it seems like it is ME who have Separation Anxiety...

Last Monday i have some important bank stuffs and had to go to AC's possible pre-school for some enrollment stuffs (these are just nearby). I decided not to bring him since we dont have a car anymore and the weather is too freaky and bipolar (it's sunny but it's raining, both at the same time.. freaky). And i can't ask anybody else to do it so there I went out, all by myself. For the record, after 6 months that was my first time to be separated  from him.  Every step I took  was agonizing. What if my sister forgot that i asked her watch over my son? What if big sis Ace tries to play with her baby brother? What if he wakes up and cry so hard that I can hear him in my brain?

But of course I made sure he was well fed and fast asleep,  and let my sister and mom watch over him. And I instructed them never to feed him with (ate Ace's) formula milk.  They may give him baby food and water but not milk that aint coming from my boobs. And I really had to go. So there, I was in a real hurry, I had been gone for almost two hours. Two RUSH hours (damn! i hated the fact that Bank XXX had so many customers, and so many vehicles causing road traffic, and my tiny legs and feet can't have a "super speedy walk" mode.)

Every second counts.  I can't imagine me, the carefree, happy-go-lucky, lakwatserang Saori, living a life like this, for four years now. Since I entered motherhood, I always had to go home right away because some little people needed their mother, and that mother is ME.

But I am not complaining (I just still cannot imagine at times. haha). Yes it may ruin my glamorz stuffs, dates with BFFs, my social life, it makes me a "friend that sucks" or can no longer go out to drink, to shop, to have a vacation on the neighboring island. I know this is just temporary. Someday my kids would just grow up and won't be needing my boobs, my babysitting, my presence. They may not even want to see me around, pampering them, holding their hands-- I guess that's what most creatures called 'teenagers' feel like doing. Someday I can ALL THE "ME TIME" that I need, ALL BY MYSELF.

So I love it like this. I am NOT alone all by myself. I may be on a "Time Crisis" mode but that's cool.  At least in my life now,  I never have the chance to get bored to death like most people do. This means I am needed. My baby is anxious without ME or if he's with people that is not ME. This means my kids are 'still' mine, although someday we really need to let go, eventually I might be needing to earn big far away from here and eventually my kids might get married and live lives of their own. Someday, we ALL need to let go.

So going back, when I got home after I went outside for almost 2 hours, my mama was carrying my son and she said, "dali na mommy oh, sige na ni siya'g sopsop sa iyang kamut" (she told me that he might be hungry already). And when my son turned his head towards me as he heard my voice, he gave us a big warm smile and was jumping for joy (as in joooooooooy). ;) 

SEPARATION? Letting go? As of now,  as in a "right now" now,  letting go means a minute away from him for me to poop.hehe Almost always, separation is a no-no. Although sometimes, I might be needing to be away for an hour (I think I just rehearsed for the upcoming election day.hehe). But for most of the time, I enjoy my baby being just sooooo happy to see my face, hear my voice,  pull my hair, suck my boobs, get cuddled, carried, worn and kissed. And that's just happening now. That's the joy of Separation Anxiety NOW. Gotta enjoy this while it's STILL here, for time flies by so fast and kids grow up in a flash. Now that's Time Crisis!